It Stops Now... Making Peace by Mending My Broken Soul

*Note- I wrote this February of 2015. I was going through a particularly shitty time, and couldn't sleep one night. As a kind of catharsis, I started writing down all the crap in my head. 

Sharing this now is scary. It's difficult because it's making public a very personal part of me that maybe only two others in the entire world know about.  But I feel the need to share because 1) although it's not nearly as bad as it once was, I still deal with this issue, and 2) I know there are plenty of people who have had similar experiences.  If I can help even one person- perhaps maybe save someone decades of agony and self-loathing, then it is absolutely what I need to do. So read on, share... and be please be kind.

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I remember the day vividly.  I was in 5th grade, 10 or 11 years old, sitting at my desk next to a boy we'll just call "G". Out of the blue, he leans over to me and says, "I don't think you should play flute in the band. I think you should play the tuba. Flutes are skinny, you're shaped like a tuba."

It felt like my chest was caving in and my soul was being ripped apart.  My ears started ringing. My breath was sucked out of me.  I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I wish I could remember if I said something to him, but if I did, I know it wasn't impressive. I was in too much shock to come up with anything witty or biting.

Some things inside of me broke that day; my innocence was shattered, my self-esteem was gone, and my life would never be the same again. That day is the first time I really remember thinking that there was a problem with the way I looked. This problem, this being FAT, was considered a fundamental flaw to my whole self.  That thought has haunted me every day of my life since.

As I reread that last paragraph, it sounds very melodramatic.  Those that know me well, know that I am prone to hyperbole every now and then. But this isn't an exaggeration, and it's not something to be dismissed. I know this because it's now 27 years later and as I recall that day, the breath still gets sucked out of me and there are tears streaming down my face. This is serious. This is not okay, and it needs to be dealt with.

I have let a remark some pre-pubescent boy made almost 3 decades ago have tremendous and crippling power over me.  This is a power that he a) doesn't deserve  and b) doesn't even know he has! I think G may have gone to my middle school for a year or two, but I've not seen him in at least 25 years.  He's probably a great guy now with a lovely family and life built for himself (just like I have).  He almost certainly doesn't remember this little tête-à-tête the way I do (he probably doesn't remember it at all!), and it's even possible that he may have actually liked me and just did not know how to show it. We were 10 years old- ie- we were DUMB LITTLE KIDS.  I am now 37 years old. It is completely absurd that I have let it affect me this much.

AND IT STOPS NOW.

I have been to counselors. They helped a bit.  I take meds for depression- they help too.  But through all these years the missing component to stopping that horrible inner monologue, the key to bringing peace to myself and giving myself permission to love me, just as I am,  is that my soul hasn't been given the opportunity to heal.  It sustained a trauma all those years ago, and then I've been adding daily (if not hourly) insults to that injury for the last 27 years.  Yeah, let that sink in..... Imagine breaking your arm, and you don't put a cast on it. Then, every day, someone comes by and hits that same arm.  The bone may eventually mend itself, but it's not going to heal correctly. And through it all, you're going to experience daily doses of excruciating pain.

Do I blame all my problems on this one incident from my past? No- of course not. A lot of things, both good and bad, have happened in my life to make me the person I am today.  For the most part, I like that person, so I am thankful for the path that has led me here.  But the one constant issue I've had is poor self-esteem when it comes to my looks and weight.  So, if I'm going to start taking care of the part of my soul that is still traumatized, then I've got follow my path backwards to that 5th grade classroom.  

To G, wherever he is, and whatever he is doing in life- I will write here what I should have told him back then, but didn't have the experience/wit/wisdom/nerve/gumption to: 

1)I am a damn fine flute player and probably the most talented musician in the school. You're just jealous.

2) It wouldn't do for me to take up tuba because it would ruin my embouchure for flute.

3)Tubas are gross- there's lots of spit that collects in the bottom and you have to blow it out the valves. Tuba spit STINKS, and it's just plain unsanitary and undignified.** Flutes are much more ladylike.

4) Speaking of valves- go ahead and blow this out yours.

5) I like you too.

6) I forgive you.   

And with all of that said, I am letting go of the negative energy this memory creates. Let this be one of those life experiences I learn from, but that can't hurt me anymore.

And so it is.

** my apologies to all the tuba players of the world. You are an integral part of any band or orchestra and we would be lost without you...But c'mon- the spit thing (all brass players do it!) IS gross.  I can assure you any woodwind player who has slipped in a puddle of spit on the band room floor holds a bit of a grudge. XOXO

Let’s start a revolution! Don’t Be A DICK!

Ever since I can remember, the first thing on my Christmas list every year was “World Peace”.  What my parents never told me was that this isn’t something you can ask Santa for on a wish list. It’s not something you can pray for and hope that God decides to sponsor you with a parachute parcel of peace right before you’re going to bite it in the Hunger Games. 

Prayer without action is wishing. Hence, the only way to obtain world peace is for the people of the world to actively work for it.  

Sorry Jesus, better late than never!

Damn, it took me 38 years to figure that shit out.   

So this blog is me, trying to actively work for peace. And hopefully getting other people to do the same.

Many in our nation are living in a constant state of grief, anguish, fear, paranoia, fury, and/or anxiety. What’s worse, they think this is normal. This is NOT OK.

This world doesn’t need any more fear. It needs peace.  So what can we do about it?

I am not so naïve as to think we can all sit around a campfire holding hands and singing Kum Ba Yah (nobody likes that song anyway).  My solution is so simple, yet so profound.  And it’s four simple words. Ready?

DON’T BE A DICK! 

That’s it. That’s all. DON’T BE A DICK.

By now I’m sure my mother and grandmother are wincing at my colorful language. But here’s the thing- there are people spewing hate at the top of their lungs all around us.  Being soft-spoken and polite right now isn’t going to cut through that shit.  What MIGHT cut through the noise, is something abrupt; something “shocking”; something so surprisingly simple, it makes you stop and think. 

When we were children, we all were told “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” And, we probably learned about the “Golden Rule” too. To refresh your memory, the Golden Rule is: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Pretty much a nicer way of saying “Don’t be a dick.”

This Golden Rule thing is really important. Many people will tell you that it’s a Christian teaching, and that is true. HOWEVER- it may surprise you to know that at least *17* religions all have some version of what is known as the “Law of Reciprocity.” It goes all the way back to the indigenous peoples from thousands and thousands of years ago, up through the modern Wiccan religion.  They all have some kind of “Don’t be a dick” teaching.  That’s not an accident. You can check out the nifty graphic below, or learn more about it here: www.peacelabyrinthofquilts.com.  

It doesn’t matter the teacher, they all said the same thing.

Even atheists can get into the game, because you don’t have to ascribe to any particular religion to be a good person.  And here we (the world) have been fighting about religion all this time. 

Why?

Because we’re dicks- and we need to stop it.

So how can we start transforming the world? Baby steps friends, baby steps.

It’s important to point out- I’m NOT advocating being nice to people if it’s not within your skill set to do so.  I’m just saying don’t be nasty to them! No random acts of kindness, no paying it forward is required.  That’s too much of a leap for some people and it’s really cliché besides.  The key to any kind of behavior modification is small, manageable goals. The only thing I’m asking is for people to restrain themselves and curb the dickish behavior.  Need some suggestions on how to start? Ok- so maybe today you:

*don’t cut that person off in traffic

*do NOT go in the 12 items or less checkout lane when you know damn well you have 25 items (13 items I will forgive, maybe even 14, but anything more is a dick move...really really)

*refrain from yelling at your kid’s little league coach

*don't park in a handicapped space if you're not legally allowed to do so

*refrain from participating in gossip at work

I'll take crotchety fun-suckers who

like the word etcetera for $200, Alex

*Don't expect little children to act like grown ups just because you're a crotchety fun-sucker.... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

How can any of this possibly bring peace to the world? Well…

Baby Hitler- Aw, look

at his little chili bowl

hair cut!

Though some scholars disagree, I believe everyone is born with a blank slate- that good ol’ “tabula rasa” you may have learned about in psych 101. No one is born inherently bad or good.  People are a product of their experiences and environments. I think we can all agree that the members of ISIS are dicks. But they don’t exit the womb as baby Rambos with clips of ammunition strapped to their chests. Likewise, Hitler is probably leading the polls to be Dick-A-Saurus Rex. But I seriously doubt he was building models of concentration camps with his Lincoln Logs in preschool. 

If people started living by the law of reciprocity and treating others as they would like to be treated, by way of a ripple effect, eventually a shift would start to occur.  A lack of road rage one morning, may lead to you being in a better mood at the office, which in turn puts someone else in a better mood, so they decide to actually answer the phone instead of letting it go to voice mail, work gets done, goals are met, paychecks get cashed and before you know it someone may actually want to pay it forward at the coffee shop because they have a little extra cash to burn.

On a bigger scale, someone might think, “no, I’m not going to shoot that person, because I don’t want to be shot.” “No, I’m not going to rob this bank, that’s a dick move- I wouldn’t like it if someone stole my money.” “Nope, not gonna bomb that country- too many people would die… I don’t want our people to die, because I’m not a dick.” It could all start with a person who decides not to slam the door in someone's face. You just never know.

Is this pie in the sky thinking? Is it really a stupid idea that will never work? Maybe. But what the hell, let’s try it and see. It’s not like it’s going to make things worse.

It really can be this simple. Just REFRAIN from doing something nasty….and see how life changes for you and the people around you. I really do think you'll be surprised.  Try it for a couple days and let me know in the comments how it goes!