Moment by moment... just do your best.

It's 9pm.  I just had to FaceTime my ex husband because our 4 year old son was having the worst fit of rage I've ever seen.... and it had been going on for at least 15 minutes.

It came out of nowhere.  One minute, we were reading Corduroy, and the next, my kid was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was jumping up and down on the bed. Punching the mattress, hitting the bed frame, throwing his stuffed animals.... and I let this go on for a while because really as long as he was containing himself to the bed he wasn't hurting anything. I thought for sure a few punches into the mattress (I mean really, who hasn't done that?) would calm him down.  But alas, that was not the case.

I ended up getting "accidentally" punched in the face. Another time though, he kicked me in the arm and I'm sure that was on purpose.  I took away his TV privileges after that, which really only added fuel to the fire. Awesome sauce.

I tried to get him to talk to me. It has always been the rule in our house that it is absolutely ok to feel anyway you feel, but you have to express it in words.  If you are angry, you have to say so and not go around kicking things or slamming doors (Mommy struggles with this one too). That way, we can talk things through.  Emotions are nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, but we have to control our actions.  I realize this is a tall order for a 4 year old, but he's usually pretty good at letting me know if what I'm doing is not exactly making him a happy camper. "I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!" "Super! Thanks so much for telling me, I'm glad you're using your words. But you still have to put on pants before we go to school."

The reason for tonight's tirade? He didn't like the songs I wanted to sing before bed. He wanted me to sing "the fan song", a song which I was not familiar with. So he proceeded to sing it for me, and it was pretty much incoherent... but I said it was nice, and it turns out that he just made it up. So, the bright spot is that my kid composes music on the fly. The bad part is that he expects his mother to anticipate what he's going to create so she can sing it.  I'm a pretty good musician.... but I'm not THAT good.

In May of 2015 my then husband and I decided marriage wasn't for us anymore.  I moved out, and we decided that I should take our son with me.  Dad would have overnight visits and weekend stays. As if being a 3 year old isn't hard enough- then your parents split up and your entire world is turned from order into chaos. Damn, that's rough- actually it's more than rough it's pretty F'd up.  So really, I guess I'm grateful that this is the first time we've experienced something this dramatic.  I'm also grateful that I could call Daddy and we could take care of it together. Because even though David and Emily aren't together anymore, Daddy and Mommy will always be there, together, for Miles.

It would have been really easy for me to lose my shit tonight, I know I came close a couple times.  On a different day I may in fact lose it completely.  But remarkably, I kept relatively cool through this whole ordeal.  How? I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with empathy and recognizing that my boy was lashing out because he was hurting and he didn't know how to express it. In truth, I was never angry with him during this drama. Frustrated at the situation? Yes. Scared for him? Yes.  But not angry.  My heart was breaking for him, because I couldn't seem to do anything to calm him down.  Hence, the tag team with Dad.

I want share with you a journal entry of mine from this past year. It's a philosophy that I've really taken to heart.

July 3, 2015 3:49 PM- a life lesson

I'm doing my best. My best has never been good enough [for me] until now. I told Miles yesterday after he told me I was the best mom, that I try to be- that that is all anyone can do is try for that day.  And he and I are in this together.  Every day we have to try to be the best people we can be on THAT day only.  Yesterday is gone and it doesn't matter anymore. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet and will bring its own set of challenges. Day by day we go, doing our best. And we have no one to impress. No standards to meet or exceed.  It's just whatever works for US.

Tonight I amend this and say be the best you can be for this MOMENT... sometimes the day brings so many different challenges that all you can do is be in the moment and try your best for that time.  And then the next moment, and the next one.....  before you know it, all the moments will add up to a complete day.  Maybe you thought you couldn't make it through the day when you woke up, and now you've made it to the end of the day because you focused on a series of moments- one by one.

Today has certainly thrown me and the people I love some curve balls.  But, we do our best in each moment.  That's all anyone can ever do. I think we need to remind ourselves of this, and be generous and gracious to each other because of it.  Some days your best is phenomenal, and others, it's only going to be so/so.  That's ok. That's life.

That's a human, being in the moment.

Be a Tree!

These days I am constantly reminding myself to be a tree. While it may seem unorthodox, it really is good advice, and here are a few examples why:

1) When I was in college, my vocal professor told me to be a tree when I was singing. What did she mean by that? Well (if I am remembering correctly, because it's been more than a few years), she meant for my body to mimic a tree.  My feet should be firmly planted on the ground- solid and sure- just like the roots.  But as I go higher up, my body should become more fluid and flexible- just like the branches.  If a tree's branches did not move with the wind, they would break. Likewise, you can't sing well if your torso, chest, arms, and head are rigid and tense. You need to be relaxed to allow for maximum breath capacity and other technical stuff to happen (the "other stuff" is not important now. Just know that your singing game improves dramatically if you let yourself become a tree!) 

Lesson from the trees: Stay grounded. And when the winds blow, allow yourself to bend, but not break.


2) I moved to a new place this past May.  My new home backs up to woods with a ravine and a creek. Before I decided to rent the place, I took a walk through the woods behind it. I wanted to hear what they had to say to me, and they ended up confirming what I already suspected- This was going to be where I started my new life! Here are some of the pictures I took that day:

Check out these trees!  Aren't they amazing? I especially like the one that is clinging to the side of the ravine. There are a ton more just like it.  It looks like it's about to fall over any second, but it doesn't. Those trees are holding on TIGHT. The ground is literally eroding underneath them and yet they hold fast. And what about the trees by the water? Who needs soil?  Not these guys. These trees have found a way to make it work, and they are not letting anything deter them from their mission. With apologies to my Papa Bryon (he was a forester) I don't know what specific kinds of trees these are. But in my book, I'm calling them BADASS.

Lesson from the trees: Hold your ground and don't give it up for anyone or anything. Also, where there's a will, there's a way.



3) The other day I came across this during a hike in a metro park:

Once again the trees are showing us that they can handle just about anything life throws at them. This tree encountered something early on in its life that made it drastically change its growth trajectory. But it kept on... and eventually straightened itself out again, and it's doing just fine.  And when we look at it, we don't say, "oh, this one is different... it's not as good as the others." Because that is ridiculous.  I can tell you the birds and squirrels seemed to like it just as well as any of the other trees. It is beautiful- it's just hanging out in all its wonderfulness, not giving one rat's behind what anyone thinks of it.

This reminds me of a quote from Ram Dass:
When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are. (emphasis is mine)

Here's the kicker to that statement- If you're turning people into trees, don't forget to include YOURSELF into that mix too.  Which means appreciating yourself, just the way you are, right at this moment, no matter how you got here.  The past that brought you here is important only for the fact that it made you who you are today. But the past doesn't get to dictate your worthiness now and it doesn't have any bearing on the future that awaits you.  If you wouldn't judge a tree for how it looks, or what happened in its past, and if, as part of this exercise, you are considering yourself a tree, then you absolutely cannot pass judgment on yourself.  Simply accept, appreciate, and move on.

Lesson from the trees: Adapt and persevere!  Also, appreciate the beauty that is you- exactly as you were made, exactly as you are right this very moment.




4) I don't know how many albino squirrels there are in Blendon Woods, but I usually see one- no matter which part of the park I'm in.  I usually see lots of interesting things- as long as I'm quiet enough, and willing to slow down and appreciate what nature has to show me. I highly recommend watching the squirrels for a while. They are very entertaining!

Lesson from the trees: Slow down, enjoy life, and see what wonderful things happen!

So there you go.  The next time you need to give yourself a pep talk, just remember that you are a tree. A magnificent, strong, beautiful, resilient, BADASS, f'ing tree.  Then, go out and conquer the world!