It came out of nowhere. One minute, we were reading Corduroy, and the next, my kid was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was jumping up and down on the bed. Punching the mattress, hitting the bed frame, throwing his stuffed animals.... and I let this go on for a while because really as long as he was containing himself to the bed he wasn't hurting anything. I thought for sure a few punches into the mattress (I mean really, who hasn't done that?) would calm him down. But alas, that was not the case.
I ended up getting "accidentally" punched in the face. Another time though, he kicked me in the arm and I'm sure that was on purpose. I took away his TV privileges after that, which really only added fuel to the fire. Awesome sauce.
I tried to get him to talk to me. It has always been the rule in our house that it is absolutely ok to feel anyway you feel, but you have to express it in words. If you are angry, you have to say so and not go around kicking things or slamming doors (Mommy struggles with this one too). That way, we can talk things through. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, but we have to control our actions. I realize this is a tall order for a 4 year old, but he's usually pretty good at letting me know if what I'm doing is not exactly making him a happy camper. "I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!" "Super! Thanks so much for telling me, I'm glad you're using your words. But you still have to put on pants before we go to school."
The reason for tonight's tirade? He didn't like the songs I wanted to sing before bed. He wanted me to sing "the fan song", a song which I was not familiar with. So he proceeded to sing it for me, and it was pretty much incoherent... but I said it was nice, and it turns out that he just made it up. So, the bright spot is that my kid composes music on the fly. The bad part is that he expects his mother to anticipate what he's going to create so she can sing it. I'm a pretty good musician.... but I'm not THAT good.
In May of 2015 my then husband and I decided marriage wasn't for us anymore. I moved out, and we decided that I should take our son with me. Dad would have overnight visits and weekend stays. As if being a 3 year old isn't hard enough- then your parents split up and your entire world is turned from order into chaos. Damn, that's rough- actually it's more than rough it's pretty F'd up. So really, I guess I'm grateful that this is the first time we've experienced something this dramatic. I'm also grateful that I could call Daddy and we could take care of it together. Because even though David and Emily aren't together anymore, Daddy and Mommy will always be there, together, for Miles.
It would have been really easy for me to lose my shit tonight, I know I came close a couple times. On a different day I may in fact lose it completely. But remarkably, I kept relatively cool through this whole ordeal. How? I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with empathy and recognizing that my boy was lashing out because he was hurting and he didn't know how to express it. In truth, I was never angry with him during this drama. Frustrated at the situation? Yes. Scared for him? Yes. But not angry. My heart was breaking for him, because I couldn't seem to do anything to calm him down. Hence, the tag team with Dad.
I want share with you a journal entry of mine from this past year. It's a philosophy that I've really taken to heart.
July 3, 2015 3:49 PM- a life lesson
I'm doing my best. My best has never been good enough [for me] until now. I told Miles yesterday after he told me I was the best mom, that I try to be- that that is all anyone can do is try for that day. And he and I are in this together. Every day we have to try to be the best people we can be on THAT day only. Yesterday is gone and it doesn't matter anymore. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet and will bring its own set of challenges. Day by day we go, doing our best. And we have no one to impress. No standards to meet or exceed. It's just whatever works for US.
Tonight I amend this and say be the best you can be for this MOMENT... sometimes the day brings so many different challenges that all you can do is be in the moment and try your best for that time. And then the next moment, and the next one..... before you know it, all the moments will add up to a complete day. Maybe you thought you couldn't make it through the day when you woke up, and now you've made it to the end of the day because you focused on a series of moments- one by one.
Today has certainly thrown me and the people I love some curve balls. But, we do our best in each moment. That's all anyone can ever do. I think we need to remind ourselves of this, and be generous and gracious to each other because of it. Some days your best is phenomenal, and others, it's only going to be so/so. That's ok. That's life.
That's a human, being in the moment.
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