Orlando and beyond....the key is empathy

When I heard about the massacre in Orlando, I was shocked and horrified of course.  I was depressed at the state of our world, I mourned the loss of life, but on the whole I was pretty stoic about it.... Until I read the story about the text messages that were sent from the hostages to their mothers.  That is when I absolutely lost it. That is when things became all too real because my mind had something to really grab hold of and put ME in the place of someone else.  Put ME on the opposite end of that text message.  What would I do, if it were MY son who just wrote to me, “Mommy I’m going to die. I love you.” And then see on the news….well, you know the rest.

That visceral response that invited tears to stream down my cheeks, and made me invoke the names of the Holy Family, the saints and the angels too (even though I'm Lutheran and that usually isn’t my style), is the difference between sympathy and empathy.  Usually I’m really good at the empathy part, but I wasn’t so much this time.

I remember vividly when SCOTUS ruled that same sex marriage was the law of the land - I was at work, and I wept at my desk. I was actually giddy.  I was so filled with joy at the announcement, because now my family and friends who had been treated unfairly were finally being given (some) rights long denied to them!  I did OK in the empathy department that day.

Fast forward to now… I’m so used to violence and death these days, my brain had to superimpose ME in the role of a grieving mother in order for me to feel the things I should have felt when I first heard the news. That’s not ok. But at least I recognize it and I’m working on doing better.

I have never had to hide a fundamental part of myself because society disapproved.  I’ve never feared for my safety because of my sexuality. I have never been afraid to talk about my faith, or go to my house of worship. I have never been accused or suspected of wrong doing because of the color of my skin. So I know, as a straight, Christian, white woman, though I try to empathize, (and I can use my vivid imagination to conjure some pretty awful things), there are things in this world that I will never fully comprehend.  There are certain situations of which I will never understand the depth and magnitude.

But that does not stop me from WANTING to understand. And it certainly does not stop me from being an ALLY to anyone who wants one.

My inability to fully understand discrimination and bigotry because I have not been the recipient of it firsthand does not, and will not alter my ability to fully love and fiercely support the people to whom these awful things are being directed.

Just for kicks and giggles:

Definition of empathy, from Dictionary.com:

noun

1.the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, 

thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Antonyms for empathy

• disdain
 
• hatred
 

• indifference
 
• mercilessness
 

• disagreement
 
• discord
 

• disunity
 
• apathy
 

• misunderstanding
 
• unfeelingness
 

Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition Copyright © 2013 by the Philip Lief Group.

I would add another antonym- selfishness. To understand another person's point of view or feelings, you have to WANT to do it in the first place. It's not an automatic thing. Some people are more naturally inclined to be empathetic than others, but anyone can learn how to do it.

Social media is full of people sending their sympathy right now…. Big deal. So what?  If one really wants to make a difference, then sympathy needs to change into empathy. What a difference some actual emotions can make to the situation (hello Democrat's "filibuster").  

But emotions can be scary to some people, and we’re not good at expressing them.  In fact, I hypothesize that the American people have lost their ability to talk about their feelings in constructive ways.  And maybe, just maybe, this is one of the reasons why we have so many hate crimes and murderous rampages.

People fear what they do not understand. It’s in our nature to be that way, and I’m sure there was a really good evolutionary reason for that at one time. Fear is not inherently bad.  It just IS.  The same is true for every emotion we feel.  Everyone has feelings that are valid and true, but then they must choose to act on those feelings (or not). Being afraid isn’t a problem, but how one deals with that fear is.  If a person is confused and afraid about homosexuality, obviously the answer is not to be angry with every LGBTQ person on the planet and seek violence against them. Rather, perhaps that person could challenge himself to have a conversation (albeit an uncomfortable one).  Unfortunately, people who haven’t learned acceptable ways of expressing their anger, confusion, and fear have access to high-powered assault rifles, the internet, and radicalized religions that fuel their fires. 

It’s important that my family and friends who are directly affected by this hate crime understand that I, too, am appalled and disgusted.  I, too, am grieving and confused.  I, too, am f’ing pissed.  I, too, am tired- but not nearly as tired as you are. I know you must be exhausted from fighting this fight.  But you’re not fighting it alone. There are LOTS of people, just like me, who understand, or are trying to at least, and want to help.

You will find us marching beside you on Saturday at the Pride Parade.