Moment by moment... just do your best.

It's 9pm.  I just had to FaceTime my ex husband because our 4 year old son was having the worst fit of rage I've ever seen.... and it had been going on for at least 15 minutes.

It came out of nowhere.  One minute, we were reading Corduroy, and the next, my kid was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was jumping up and down on the bed. Punching the mattress, hitting the bed frame, throwing his stuffed animals.... and I let this go on for a while because really as long as he was containing himself to the bed he wasn't hurting anything. I thought for sure a few punches into the mattress (I mean really, who hasn't done that?) would calm him down.  But alas, that was not the case.

I ended up getting "accidentally" punched in the face. Another time though, he kicked me in the arm and I'm sure that was on purpose.  I took away his TV privileges after that, which really only added fuel to the fire. Awesome sauce.

I tried to get him to talk to me. It has always been the rule in our house that it is absolutely ok to feel anyway you feel, but you have to express it in words.  If you are angry, you have to say so and not go around kicking things or slamming doors (Mommy struggles with this one too). That way, we can talk things through.  Emotions are nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, but we have to control our actions.  I realize this is a tall order for a 4 year old, but he's usually pretty good at letting me know if what I'm doing is not exactly making him a happy camper. "I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!" "Super! Thanks so much for telling me, I'm glad you're using your words. But you still have to put on pants before we go to school."

The reason for tonight's tirade? He didn't like the songs I wanted to sing before bed. He wanted me to sing "the fan song", a song which I was not familiar with. So he proceeded to sing it for me, and it was pretty much incoherent... but I said it was nice, and it turns out that he just made it up. So, the bright spot is that my kid composes music on the fly. The bad part is that he expects his mother to anticipate what he's going to create so she can sing it.  I'm a pretty good musician.... but I'm not THAT good.

In May of 2015 my then husband and I decided marriage wasn't for us anymore.  I moved out, and we decided that I should take our son with me.  Dad would have overnight visits and weekend stays. As if being a 3 year old isn't hard enough- then your parents split up and your entire world is turned from order into chaos. Damn, that's rough- actually it's more than rough it's pretty F'd up.  So really, I guess I'm grateful that this is the first time we've experienced something this dramatic.  I'm also grateful that I could call Daddy and we could take care of it together. Because even though David and Emily aren't together anymore, Daddy and Mommy will always be there, together, for Miles.

It would have been really easy for me to lose my shit tonight, I know I came close a couple times.  On a different day I may in fact lose it completely.  But remarkably, I kept relatively cool through this whole ordeal.  How? I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with empathy and recognizing that my boy was lashing out because he was hurting and he didn't know how to express it. In truth, I was never angry with him during this drama. Frustrated at the situation? Yes. Scared for him? Yes.  But not angry.  My heart was breaking for him, because I couldn't seem to do anything to calm him down.  Hence, the tag team with Dad.

I want share with you a journal entry of mine from this past year. It's a philosophy that I've really taken to heart.

July 3, 2015 3:49 PM- a life lesson

I'm doing my best. My best has never been good enough [for me] until now. I told Miles yesterday after he told me I was the best mom, that I try to be- that that is all anyone can do is try for that day.  And he and I are in this together.  Every day we have to try to be the best people we can be on THAT day only.  Yesterday is gone and it doesn't matter anymore. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet and will bring its own set of challenges. Day by day we go, doing our best. And we have no one to impress. No standards to meet or exceed.  It's just whatever works for US.

Tonight I amend this and say be the best you can be for this MOMENT... sometimes the day brings so many different challenges that all you can do is be in the moment and try your best for that time.  And then the next moment, and the next one.....  before you know it, all the moments will add up to a complete day.  Maybe you thought you couldn't make it through the day when you woke up, and now you've made it to the end of the day because you focused on a series of moments- one by one.

Today has certainly thrown me and the people I love some curve balls.  But, we do our best in each moment.  That's all anyone can ever do. I think we need to remind ourselves of this, and be generous and gracious to each other because of it.  Some days your best is phenomenal, and others, it's only going to be so/so.  That's ok. That's life.

That's a human, being in the moment.

Be a Tree!

These days I am constantly reminding myself to be a tree. While it may seem unorthodox, it really is good advice, and here are a few examples why:

1) When I was in college, my vocal professor told me to be a tree when I was singing. What did she mean by that? Well (if I am remembering correctly, because it's been more than a few years), she meant for my body to mimic a tree.  My feet should be firmly planted on the ground- solid and sure- just like the roots.  But as I go higher up, my body should become more fluid and flexible- just like the branches.  If a tree's branches did not move with the wind, they would break. Likewise, you can't sing well if your torso, chest, arms, and head are rigid and tense. You need to be relaxed to allow for maximum breath capacity and other technical stuff to happen (the "other stuff" is not important now. Just know that your singing game improves dramatically if you let yourself become a tree!) 

Lesson from the trees: Stay grounded. And when the winds blow, allow yourself to bend, but not break.


2) I moved to a new place this past May.  My new home backs up to woods with a ravine and a creek. Before I decided to rent the place, I took a walk through the woods behind it. I wanted to hear what they had to say to me, and they ended up confirming what I already suspected- This was going to be where I started my new life! Here are some of the pictures I took that day:

Check out these trees!  Aren't they amazing? I especially like the one that is clinging to the side of the ravine. There are a ton more just like it.  It looks like it's about to fall over any second, but it doesn't. Those trees are holding on TIGHT. The ground is literally eroding underneath them and yet they hold fast. And what about the trees by the water? Who needs soil?  Not these guys. These trees have found a way to make it work, and they are not letting anything deter them from their mission. With apologies to my Papa Bryon (he was a forester) I don't know what specific kinds of trees these are. But in my book, I'm calling them BADASS.

Lesson from the trees: Hold your ground and don't give it up for anyone or anything. Also, where there's a will, there's a way.



3) The other day I came across this during a hike in a metro park:

Once again the trees are showing us that they can handle just about anything life throws at them. This tree encountered something early on in its life that made it drastically change its growth trajectory. But it kept on... and eventually straightened itself out again, and it's doing just fine.  And when we look at it, we don't say, "oh, this one is different... it's not as good as the others." Because that is ridiculous.  I can tell you the birds and squirrels seemed to like it just as well as any of the other trees. It is beautiful- it's just hanging out in all its wonderfulness, not giving one rat's behind what anyone thinks of it.

This reminds me of a quote from Ram Dass:
When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are. (emphasis is mine)

Here's the kicker to that statement- If you're turning people into trees, don't forget to include YOURSELF into that mix too.  Which means appreciating yourself, just the way you are, right at this moment, no matter how you got here.  The past that brought you here is important only for the fact that it made you who you are today. But the past doesn't get to dictate your worthiness now and it doesn't have any bearing on the future that awaits you.  If you wouldn't judge a tree for how it looks, or what happened in its past, and if, as part of this exercise, you are considering yourself a tree, then you absolutely cannot pass judgment on yourself.  Simply accept, appreciate, and move on.

Lesson from the trees: Adapt and persevere!  Also, appreciate the beauty that is you- exactly as you were made, exactly as you are right this very moment.




4) I don't know how many albino squirrels there are in Blendon Woods, but I usually see one- no matter which part of the park I'm in.  I usually see lots of interesting things- as long as I'm quiet enough, and willing to slow down and appreciate what nature has to show me. I highly recommend watching the squirrels for a while. They are very entertaining!

Lesson from the trees: Slow down, enjoy life, and see what wonderful things happen!

So there you go.  The next time you need to give yourself a pep talk, just remember that you are a tree. A magnificent, strong, beautiful, resilient, BADASS, f'ing tree.  Then, go out and conquer the world!

It Stops Now... Making Peace by Mending My Broken Soul

*Note- I wrote this February of 2015. I was going through a particularly shitty time, and couldn't sleep one night. As a kind of catharsis, I started writing down all the crap in my head. 

Sharing this now is scary. It's difficult because it's making public a very personal part of me that maybe only two others in the entire world know about.  But I feel the need to share because 1) although it's not nearly as bad as it once was, I still deal with this issue, and 2) I know there are plenty of people who have had similar experiences.  If I can help even one person- perhaps maybe save someone decades of agony and self-loathing, then it is absolutely what I need to do. So read on, share... and be please be kind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember the day vividly.  I was in 5th grade, 10 or 11 years old, sitting at my desk next to a boy we'll just call "G". Out of the blue, he leans over to me and says, "I don't think you should play flute in the band. I think you should play the tuba. Flutes are skinny, you're shaped like a tuba."

It felt like my chest was caving in and my soul was being ripped apart.  My ears started ringing. My breath was sucked out of me.  I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I wish I could remember if I said something to him, but if I did, I know it wasn't impressive. I was in too much shock to come up with anything witty or biting.

Some things inside of me broke that day; my innocence was shattered, my self-esteem was gone, and my life would never be the same again. That day is the first time I really remember thinking that there was a problem with the way I looked. This problem, this being FAT, was considered a fundamental flaw to my whole self.  That thought has haunted me every day of my life since.

As I reread that last paragraph, it sounds very melodramatic.  Those that know me well, know that I am prone to hyperbole every now and then. But this isn't an exaggeration, and it's not something to be dismissed. I know this because it's now 27 years later and as I recall that day, the breath still gets sucked out of me and there are tears streaming down my face. This is serious. This is not okay, and it needs to be dealt with.

I have let a remark some pre-pubescent boy made almost 3 decades ago have tremendous and crippling power over me.  This is a power that he a) doesn't deserve  and b) doesn't even know he has! I think G may have gone to my middle school for a year or two, but I've not seen him in at least 25 years.  He's probably a great guy now with a lovely family and life built for himself (just like I have).  He almost certainly doesn't remember this little tête-à-tête the way I do (he probably doesn't remember it at all!), and it's even possible that he may have actually liked me and just did not know how to show it. We were 10 years old- ie- we were DUMB LITTLE KIDS.  I am now 37 years old. It is completely absurd that I have let it affect me this much.

AND IT STOPS NOW.

I have been to counselors. They helped a bit.  I take meds for depression- they help too.  But through all these years the missing component to stopping that horrible inner monologue, the key to bringing peace to myself and giving myself permission to love me, just as I am,  is that my soul hasn't been given the opportunity to heal.  It sustained a trauma all those years ago, and then I've been adding daily (if not hourly) insults to that injury for the last 27 years.  Yeah, let that sink in..... Imagine breaking your arm, and you don't put a cast on it. Then, every day, someone comes by and hits that same arm.  The bone may eventually mend itself, but it's not going to heal correctly. And through it all, you're going to experience daily doses of excruciating pain.

Do I blame all my problems on this one incident from my past? No- of course not. A lot of things, both good and bad, have happened in my life to make me the person I am today.  For the most part, I like that person, so I am thankful for the path that has led me here.  But the one constant issue I've had is poor self-esteem when it comes to my looks and weight.  So, if I'm going to start taking care of the part of my soul that is still traumatized, then I've got follow my path backwards to that 5th grade classroom.  

To G, wherever he is, and whatever he is doing in life- I will write here what I should have told him back then, but didn't have the experience/wit/wisdom/nerve/gumption to: 

1)I am a damn fine flute player and probably the most talented musician in the school. You're just jealous.

2) It wouldn't do for me to take up tuba because it would ruin my embouchure for flute.

3)Tubas are gross- there's lots of spit that collects in the bottom and you have to blow it out the valves. Tuba spit STINKS, and it's just plain unsanitary and undignified.** Flutes are much more ladylike.

4) Speaking of valves- go ahead and blow this out yours.

5) I like you too.

6) I forgive you.   

And with all of that said, I am letting go of the negative energy this memory creates. Let this be one of those life experiences I learn from, but that can't hurt me anymore.

And so it is.

** my apologies to all the tuba players of the world. You are an integral part of any band or orchestra and we would be lost without you...But c'mon- the spit thing (all brass players do it!) IS gross.  I can assure you any woodwind player who has slipped in a puddle of spit on the band room floor holds a bit of a grudge. XOXO

Let’s start a revolution! Don’t Be A DICK!

Ever since I can remember, the first thing on my Christmas list every year was “World Peace”.  What my parents never told me was that this isn’t something you can ask Santa for on a wish list. It’s not something you can pray for and hope that God decides to sponsor you with a parachute parcel of peace right before you’re going to bite it in the Hunger Games. 

Prayer without action is wishing. Hence, the only way to obtain world peace is for the people of the world to actively work for it.  

Sorry Jesus, better late than never!

Damn, it took me 38 years to figure that shit out.   

So this blog is me, trying to actively work for peace. And hopefully getting other people to do the same.

Many in our nation are living in a constant state of grief, anguish, fear, paranoia, fury, and/or anxiety. What’s worse, they think this is normal. This is NOT OK.

This world doesn’t need any more fear. It needs peace.  So what can we do about it?

I am not so naïve as to think we can all sit around a campfire holding hands and singing Kum Ba Yah (nobody likes that song anyway).  My solution is so simple, yet so profound.  And it’s four simple words. Ready?

DON’T BE A DICK! 

That’s it. That’s all. DON’T BE A DICK.

By now I’m sure my mother and grandmother are wincing at my colorful language. But here’s the thing- there are people spewing hate at the top of their lungs all around us.  Being soft-spoken and polite right now isn’t going to cut through that shit.  What MIGHT cut through the noise, is something abrupt; something “shocking”; something so surprisingly simple, it makes you stop and think. 

When we were children, we all were told “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” And, we probably learned about the “Golden Rule” too. To refresh your memory, the Golden Rule is: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Pretty much a nicer way of saying “Don’t be a dick.”

This Golden Rule thing is really important. Many people will tell you that it’s a Christian teaching, and that is true. HOWEVER- it may surprise you to know that at least *17* religions all have some version of what is known as the “Law of Reciprocity.” It goes all the way back to the indigenous peoples from thousands and thousands of years ago, up through the modern Wiccan religion.  They all have some kind of “Don’t be a dick” teaching.  That’s not an accident. You can check out the nifty graphic below, or learn more about it here: www.peacelabyrinthofquilts.com.  

It doesn’t matter the teacher, they all said the same thing.

Even atheists can get into the game, because you don’t have to ascribe to any particular religion to be a good person.  And here we (the world) have been fighting about religion all this time. 

Why?

Because we’re dicks- and we need to stop it.

So how can we start transforming the world? Baby steps friends, baby steps.

It’s important to point out- I’m NOT advocating being nice to people if it’s not within your skill set to do so.  I’m just saying don’t be nasty to them! No random acts of kindness, no paying it forward is required.  That’s too much of a leap for some people and it’s really cliché besides.  The key to any kind of behavior modification is small, manageable goals. The only thing I’m asking is for people to restrain themselves and curb the dickish behavior.  Need some suggestions on how to start? Ok- so maybe today you:

*don’t cut that person off in traffic

*do NOT go in the 12 items or less checkout lane when you know damn well you have 25 items (13 items I will forgive, maybe even 14, but anything more is a dick move...really really)

*refrain from yelling at your kid’s little league coach

*don't park in a handicapped space if you're not legally allowed to do so

*refrain from participating in gossip at work

I'll take crotchety fun-suckers who

like the word etcetera for $200, Alex

*Don't expect little children to act like grown ups just because you're a crotchety fun-sucker.... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

How can any of this possibly bring peace to the world? Well…

Baby Hitler- Aw, look

at his little chili bowl

hair cut!

Though some scholars disagree, I believe everyone is born with a blank slate- that good ol’ “tabula rasa” you may have learned about in psych 101. No one is born inherently bad or good.  People are a product of their experiences and environments. I think we can all agree that the members of ISIS are dicks. But they don’t exit the womb as baby Rambos with clips of ammunition strapped to their chests. Likewise, Hitler is probably leading the polls to be Dick-A-Saurus Rex. But I seriously doubt he was building models of concentration camps with his Lincoln Logs in preschool. 

If people started living by the law of reciprocity and treating others as they would like to be treated, by way of a ripple effect, eventually a shift would start to occur.  A lack of road rage one morning, may lead to you being in a better mood at the office, which in turn puts someone else in a better mood, so they decide to actually answer the phone instead of letting it go to voice mail, work gets done, goals are met, paychecks get cashed and before you know it someone may actually want to pay it forward at the coffee shop because they have a little extra cash to burn.

On a bigger scale, someone might think, “no, I’m not going to shoot that person, because I don’t want to be shot.” “No, I’m not going to rob this bank, that’s a dick move- I wouldn’t like it if someone stole my money.” “Nope, not gonna bomb that country- too many people would die… I don’t want our people to die, because I’m not a dick.” It could all start with a person who decides not to slam the door in someone's face. You just never know.

Is this pie in the sky thinking? Is it really a stupid idea that will never work? Maybe. But what the hell, let’s try it and see. It’s not like it’s going to make things worse.

It really can be this simple. Just REFRAIN from doing something nasty….and see how life changes for you and the people around you. I really do think you'll be surprised.  Try it for a couple days and let me know in the comments how it goes!